nsfw life

If someone says exercise doesn’t humble them, I totally think they are lying.  Even while I enjoy the goals I meet, I know there is always the next goal around the corner.  There is always someone better than me – doing more, achieving more, making me feel slightly inadequate to say the least.  

I like to post my met goals and/or exciting progress on facebook.  I know for a fact that at least a few people are motivated by those posts.  And the rest, well, are just genuinely happy for me. 

A few of my friends have told me that I should be sending in my photos to different places to get them posted.  I disagree….first, I’m embarrassed to post my before photo.  Second,  I’m not finished.  Third, I just don’t need that recognition. 

If my trainer is happy and says I’m doing well, then that’s all the recognition I need! 🙂

This weekend I went to a family reunion. We were only there for a few hours, but it was really nice to see everyone. My uncles and aunts and some cousins were in attendance. What really surprised me was how many people said I look happy. Of course I am happy, but it really hit me that maybe it’s showing up on the outside even more now that I feel so much better physically.

It seemed easier to chat with people. I seemed to have more clarity, and I really felt the love of my family as a whole. My aunts and uncle talked about my mom and it was very sweet hearing about her. I haven’t been to a reunion in quite a while and I’m so glad I went 🙂

Without getting into details, I’ve had issues with female parts and I’ve been out of workouts for more than a week. My trainer’s instructions were, “I’ve never said this but don’t even walk…no exercise whatsoever for a week” Yes, I was shocked 🙂

Two huge problems had to be faced: I had started gaining weight previously so if I wasn’t exercising, I absolutely had to reign in my nutrition. I had to be 100% true to my program to take the gained weight off. The other problem was time. What would I do with the time I usually spent working out? It didn’t seem right to just do nothing. Or did it?

So to help me with my nutrition issue, I started doing intermittent fasting. Just as a side note, I DO NOT recommend this for everyone. I did a lot of research and talked to three professionals before I even tried it the first time. But it works for me so that’s what I did. Now I’m proud to say I not only lost the weight I gained but I’m at my lowest weight ever now.

Next I had to figure out what to do with my time. I wasn’t feeling the best but I was up and mobile (and working of course). I didn’t feel like I should just do nothing – who does nothing?

My old unhealthy self…that’s who does nothing. It was very difficult for me to even entertain the thought of sitting on the couch and watching tv and doing nothing. It felt wrong. So to balance myself out, I ended up doing about 30 minutes of housework (organizing mainly) and then an hour or so of television or reading. That way I felt I had accomplished something in the process. I took my time, I didn’t hurry at all, and I managed to do a few things and ‘do nothing’ at the same time.

Every time I have an injury or illness it is a challenge. But I’m doing better every single time. I’m super proud. Now I can go back to my trainer and start exercising again and hopefully not skip a beat 🙂

The famous Dan John, in his book Never Let Go, touched on a topic that is extremely timely for me:

“I’ve come to some wonderful conclusions about myself after starting the Velocity Diet. I was blind to the fact that it was so easy to snack at random times of the day or drink too much alcohol. These blind spots of mine would have never come out into the light if it wasn’t for the V-Diet.”

I’m not going to write about the V-Diet or endorse it because I have never tried that diet, but if you are interested please feel free to look it up. What I’d like to address is the glaring fail that kept me from my goals: blind spots.

Blind spots can be excuses, lack of nutrition education, justification, and denial….among other things. Okay okay okay I’ve done them all!

The problem with blind spots is that they left a gap in my progress. “Sure, it’s okay to have that chocolate because I killed my workouts this week!” “Okay, I can cut this cardio short because I didn’t eat much today” those are the two of many statements that have gone through my head. Stupid, right?

The aftermath of the blind spots usually caused a shame/guilt spiral that would end up making me feel even more stressed, which of course doesn’t help anything at all.

It was only after I basically re-booted my nutrition 20 days ago that I have realized that all of those running statements in my head were actually sabotaging my goals. Did I want that chocolate more than I wanted to lose a pound? Well, at the time it’s hard to make that decision. Truthfully, I never even thought that way. I just wanted chocolate…now. Those blind spots, conscious and unconscious, were keeping me from making the progress that I wanted.

There are a lot of people who can eat or drink what they want (within reason) and that’s great (yes I’m jealous!). But me? I just can’t do that. My body is not going to change unless I cut out these blind spots and commit 100% to my goals.

Sure, I miss it all (cupcakes…I miss you the most!!). But I’m in a totally different zone now. My mind and my body both feel different. The biggest win so far, other than the increase in energy and weight loss, is that I feel like I’m being totally honest with myself. Now, if I can’t lose weight or if something isn’t right, I know exactly what I’m eating and can adjust based on facts, not fiction. I can give an honest assessment of my nutrition to anyone else as well. And that’s a win in itself.

typically i’m one to light my own way. as an adult, that’s what we do (or are supposed to do). light our own way, forge our own path, help ourselves and get on with things. for the most part, i try to do this. i really don’t like bothering people (even my own friends or family) because everyone is busy and into their own lives and don’t have a lot of time for the extra drama.

well, lately i’ve really had to revisit that theory. obviously i need help right now. i’ve been gaining weight and slipping back into old habits. as i said in my last blog post, i did manage to ask for help a couple of weeks ago and i do feel better, but i needed more help it seems. so this week i have reached out to some friends who have been incredibly supportive people in my healthy journey. it was almost like a weight was lifted after i had the conversation because even though i knew i wasn’t the only one to go through this, someone just saying ‘i know how you feel and where you are’ seems to help…a lot.

so i’m working on a plan and i can already feel a bit of relief. all i have to do is get rid of this nasty cold i have and i can really start getting back to business.

i read this the other day and it was so true about where i am right now:

some days you will be the light for others,
and some days you will need some light from them.
as long as there is light, there is hope,
and there is a way.
~jennifer gayle

so here i go…gathering all of the light given to me…and getting back on my path.

what happens when everyone around you believes in you…and you don’t believe in yourself? motivation is almost nonexistent? negative self talk practically a constant tape in your head?

this has been slowly creeping up on me, unknowingly, for the past few weeks. i didn’t know what to do, i could see all of my usual schedule and activities slip away. my work was slacking and all i could think about were the stressors around me. there were a lot of those, but nothing i usually can’t handle.

i’ve been through this before since i have been on this healthy journey but on a much smaller scale. this time is longer and deeper. i haven’t felt like myself at all and have had a big problem processing my emotions.

so finally i just told someone what was going on and at least voiced what was on my mind. and luckily, after a week off, it was time to go back to see my trainer.

after 3+ years of knowing each other, he pretty much knew when he saw me that i was ‘off’. we talked for a bit and he did what he always does – put me to work training. truthfully it’s the best thing that he could have done. no matter how crappy i felt, it was nice to just focus on doing that and taking out my emotions on training.

so this week we have ramped up my intensity and this morning we did a really hard workout. my energy isn’t great, but i didn’t do too bad.

i’m feeling some better tonight. i’m hoping by next week i will start feeling like myself again…at least for now, i have a clearer outlook on my situation. and all it took was not to be too proud to reach out for help.

last year was great. of course there were lows, but many many more highs. i learned how strong i could really be, with the coaching and support of many. at the end of 2013, i exceeded my goal by 5lbs to lift 205lb deadlift (for reps…oh yeah!). i concentrated a lot on getting the correct form for not just the deadlift, but other exercises as well. i’ve started to ‘get’ some things and excel at them. last year i ran, i walked, i raced, i got really really muddy, i got stuck in that mud (eeks), i had fun, i got injured, i played sports….i’m a damn spartan….the list goes on and on. i stopped being so scared.

but being not-so-scared doesn’t help everything. something i had to face was that although lifting 200+ pounds is hard (and awesome), looking at myself in the mirror is even harder. i’m proud of my accomplishments but also disappointed and actually quite disgusted at the same time.

whatever it’s called in the dsm, i’m completely sick when i look at myself. for some reason, i can’t shake it. i’m tired of running and killing myself, working ten times harder than anyone i know, my body hurting almost every day.

sure, there are answers, but no matter how much weight i lose or gain, no matter how much fat or muscle i lose or gain, it’s still the same effing thing. i feel no different in my head.

i guess this sounds like a pity party…but i can have one, it’s my blog. i’m writing all this out just to see if i can come up with some sort of solution through writing. hopefully i’ll write and share more about it all as more thoughts come. it’s private but i feel like i need to put it all out into the universe. so for now, i’ll keep going. i don’t want to quit doing anything, i just want to see myself differently.

‘things are gonna change, i can feel it’ ~beck

yep. the eternal optimist. she will win one day!

just in time for the new year, we’ve been working on getting rid of unwanted or unneeded items here at the house. most things aren’t difficult. it’s a matter of being logical – either i need it or i don’t. one thing we talk about is how much we spent on that item – but really if we aren’t using it, then it doesn’t make much sense to keep it no matter what the cost. i’m definitely consigning a few expensive items though!

we have many of my grandmother’s and mother’s belongings. i’ll admit, i’ve kept many of these things because they remind me of my childhood. my childhood, up until my mother died when i was 11, was pretty awesome. my mom let me be a kid and didn’t worry me about grownup problems. i rarely saw her upset, she would hide all of that from us most of the time. after she died, it went downhill pretty quick. so it’s pretty understandable that i would want to keep things to remind me of the best part of my childhood.

the problem now is that i really need to give a lot of these things away. it doesn’t make sense to have them. i realize that those memories are not in those items, they are in my head and heart. but still…it’s tough. they won’t mean anything to anyone else.

the main driver for me right now is that i really feel i need to step up and clear my own clutter out so i can clear some of my life. making your own space open and inviting is so important, and i think i will feel so much better. i don’t think my grandma or my mom would want their possessions to be a burden. so i’ll try to weed them out and see where we go from there. wish me luck 😉

happy new year! ❤